Girls aren't supposed to kill bugs... Boys are

So one of the "perks" of having a man in your life is that you no longer have to kill bugs. Its like an unwritten rule of relationships. Then you have the single mom, who has nobody around to kill the bugs, because it is still too early to train the 6 month old baby how to do so.

Paxon has just woken up from his nap and he is just swinging away minding his own business, when I hear the god awful roar of a hornet. I know that his sperm donor is deathly allergic to bees so I immediately move Paxon out of the room. I then realize I have to kill this huge, stinging, ugly bug all by myself which I am not too excited about. I'm trying to get my plan of action set up, which is not easy because this hornet will not leave part of the ceiling that is maybe 10 feet above me.

So how does a single mom kill possibly deadly bugs you ask?

I get a chair from the dining table to bring me closer to the bug, go to the bathroom and grab my extra super extreme hold aerosol hair spray, and to the kitchen to grab the now empty paper towel roll. I would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall for this one.

I put the chair as close as I can to the hornet, and then I start sweating because I am TERRIFIED. I should have powdered my own hiney earlier when I was doing Paxon's. I stick the nozzle of my hairspray to the paper towel tube and fire away. So at that point the hornet may have been dead, or just really high from the hairspray fumes. I notice that its not moving, probably because it is glued to itself and the log it is sitting on. So I start thinking about how I am going to get this bug down and outside, because I cant reach him. So I grab a broom. I slap the hornet with it, don't see it on the log, so I take the broom outside.

I start smacking the broom on the step because I want to see this hornet, I want to make sure that I really did get him. And after ten minutes of smacking and combing the broom with a stick, still cannot find the bug. AAHHHH!! So I freak out thinking he is in the house. Couldn't find it. ANYWHERE. It is now almost 24 hours later, and I still have no idea what has happened to that hornet.

I don't know why bugs seem to like this house so much. My mom says its because of the logs. Well OK maybe that's true, but is there anyway to trick the bugs to not come in anymore? And apparently its not just bugs. Its rodents too. And by rodents I mean bats.

Now I can handle squishing a spider, slapping a fly(because Idaho is filled with these stupid little insects), taking the hairspray to a hornet, but I CANNOT handle bats. They are almost as scary as cows!

Apparently bats can squeeze their awful hideous little bodies in between the logs in the house and just... hang out... Literally. The thought of it terrifies me. I have found that doing the rap from Fern Gully really helps to overcome the fear.



That and thinking about watching John Candy and Dan Aykroyd with tennis racquet's, rain ponchos, and wicker trash bins on their heads.

I am all for women doing anything that a man can do. But insect killing, its not my thing. Its just waaay to much nature for me.

It's coming out of every end!

Everybody knows that all a baby does is eat, sleep, and poop. Well we have added another activity to the list, and that is play. Sometimes though Paxon gets poop and play confused, or he does them both at the same time. And of course there is pooping while eating, gotta make room for that wonderful tata sauce(see post below). Multitasking at its finest.

It seems like anytime I put Paxon in his jumperoo before his first nap I set myself up for a poopsplosion. And I mean there is poop EVERYWHERE at that point.

I have seen it go up his back, up his stomach, down to his thighs, and once it went all the way down to his feet!

Now the part that I don't get is this: Sometimes when I go to change these diapers, there is a surprisingly little amount of poop in the actual diaper. And the poop is all the way at the front, and barely any by his actual butt, where I was under the assumption that said poop came from. Do things shift once you put them in the jumperoo? I'm starting to think they do.

Paxon isn't one to tell me when his diaper is dirty and his demeanor does not change at all, so sometimes I go to get him out and holy surprise to me! I should really buy stock in Shout, because I am constantly using that stuff. It is a godsend. I absolutely love it.

What really surprises me, is when I go to change these diapers, get him all clean and slicked up, back into a diaper, and then realize I have poop somewhere on me. Sometimes it is my pants, my shirt, my hand, my arm. One time I even found it on my elbow. Honestly?! How does one get poop on their elbow and nowhere else on their body? How does that happen? I find myself constantly asking Paxon "You got poop where?" He of course finds it hilarious.

Another wonderful trick that little boys have is the ability to pee on anything within a three foot radius, and most of the time that includes mom or himself. Paxon however enjoys peeing on his Grandma the most, because he does it every time she changes him.

That thing is like a loaded missile. You only make the mistake once of getting caught in the crossfire with your mouth open. Luckily we have only come very close once. I got it on my chin, and almost had a heart attack. He of course finds it HILARIOUS.

You never know when that missile is armed, and when it is ready to fire. Its like a loaded gun, you don't want it aimed anywhere near your face or his. It can go off at any time. I see it out of my periphs and by the time I go to cover it he is already covered himself. Pee in the eye cannot feel good.

Some people ask "why don't you cover it when hes naked?" well because I don't want to, plus my child is at that age where everything needs to be touched. That includes the missile itself and whatever has been used to cover it. So why waste the wipe? A little bit of pee never hurt anybody.

 Here is a hint I heard from someone, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. You get one of those little plastic dixie cups and just put it right there on the wiener, and voila! No more pee streams. Now here is where I think the flaw is in that "solution." Yes you wont have the unexpected stream, but now you are dealing with a puddle. That pee is going to just pool on his stomach or run down his bum and legs. That sounds like even more of a pain.

A few drops of pee from a stream dries a whole lot faster than a pool.

Did you leave any water in the pool?

So tonight I took Paxon swimming, which we both love. Normally I pay $5.00 for the both of us at the Holiday Inn Express, but tonight there was a new guy, and he thought I was going to pay an extra $5.00 for my infant son, who btw sits on my lap or I'm holding the entire time, so its not like he takes up much room. He tried to tell me "well its $5 per person." I looked at him and mentioned how small this person was and that I've never been charged for him before. After me staring at him like he was absolutely stupid for a minute or so, he finally said OK, and let us go back.


Now this place usually keeps their pool at arctic temperatures. I think the pool itself is even colder than it was outside. Heated pool my butt. Luckily their hot tub is perfect Paxon temp, so that's usually where we hang out. Today must have been "trashy guest day" at the Holiday Inn.

Paxon and I are in there doin our thing, not bugging anybody, in our own little corner just hanging out. Well there is this family in the pool/hot tub too, and they were not the most svelte family, and they had four or five kids, I couldn't keep track of them because they were just everywhere. Their youngest was maybe 5 or 6, and that little brat kept JUMPING INTO THE HOT TUB. Now not only is it maybe three feet deep, but there's quite a few people in there, so he ended up splashing everybody including Paxon. I shook it off because I didn't feel it necessary to slap a strangers child just yet. But then the little sh*t kept doing it, and his parents said nothing! Who raises their children to be so rude these days? Don't people have any class? Finally after me turning my back to this rude child for the third or fourth time, his mother(quite a large woman as well) finally told him to stop, I think me giving her the look of "if you don't put a leash on your child we are going to play see how long it takes for the bubbles to stop".

Now that wasn't the only issue I had with these people. The dad had more hair on his back and chest than he did on his balding head, which by the way had quite a legit comb over, but just in the middle. For some reason, and I really do not want to know why, his wife felt it necessary to run her fingers through his back pubes. It took everything in my power to not vom in my mouth.

So this picture is dedicated to that family, for their rudeness and lack of class. I will award them "Trashy Family of the Week," and will remind you all 'IF THE SWIMSUIT DOESN'T FIT, DON'T WEAR IT!" because nobody wants to see the camel toe, hanger, or wedgie of anybody.



On the plus side tho, we returned home from the pool, and I got to have my favorite part of the day. Taking my nightly shower with Paxon and putting him to bed. He is so cuddly and sweet when he sleeps and some nights I wish I could just cuddle with him all night. But he cant fool me that bad, I know how that kid really likes to sleep. So now I will eat my thin mints, enjoy a few minutes of quiet, and go to bed myself.

Have Milk Will Travel

Number one super power that women have is the ability to lactate!

Let me tell you that tata sauce is some powerful stuff. Not only does it feed your baby, but it has powers of its own!

It helps keep your baby from getting sick by providing important antibodies.

It helps keep your baby from being obese in the future(America, we need all the help we can get)

Baby have a yucky red eye? Give a lil squirt right in there, and bam! Miracle treatment

Baby have a diaper rash? Give a lil squirt and bam! Fixes that too

Newborn have acne? Rub the tata sauce on his cheeks and bam! I think you get it now

 Now here is something that I find ridiculous. Here in the state of Idaho, there is NOT ONE law protecting breastfeeding mothers from the already set in place "public indecency" laws. So what this god forsaken state is telling me is that if someone doesn't like me feeding my son in public, I will be treated the same way as the creeper doing the helicopter with his wiener on the side of the road. How is that OK? Well let me tell you it is not. And that's not just because I know my boobs look way better than that psycho's crotch.

How is it that America has so sexualized boobs? Everyone is all about SAVING THE TATAS and educating people on breast cancer awareness, but has everyone forgotten the importance of the boob? They aren't here for guys to gaze at while we run, they aren't just for using as a shelf(if your like me anyways) , they are to feed our babies! And then hang past our belly buttons, but that's neither here nor there.

I love the fact that I do not have to spend hundreds of dollars on formula. I love the fact that if Paxon is hungry, I can just whip the girls out and give him some lunch. There's no bottles to wash or carry everywhere, granted some days my boobs do feel like an extra ten pounds to carry around. I LOVE the fact that I can wake up looking like my own version of Pamela Anderson or Dolly Parton. Granted I could do without going to bed with boobs like my mothers(love you ma).

So ladies, my point is this, if you have boobs, and they will lactate, allow your baby the pleasure to enjoy the sauce. Because there may not be anything more powerful than the deep connection you can get from having a stare off with your baby while they eat.