You know you are a mom when...

As I was cleaning out my underwear drawer yesterday I realized just how much my life has changed in the last 14 months. Some of the changes make me scratch my head, but they are all worth it.

You know you are a mom when:

1. Your underpants go from small and lacy thongs to something cotton that covers way more area(that's right guys, this gals still single too) Whether that be a full cotton number that resembles something your mother wears, or a thong, either one of them has about doubled in size in length and width.

Remember ladies, to not get carried away with the height of them. This one is way over the top. If your underpants cover your belly button.... You are too much like your grandmother and its time to go shopping



2. Your bras have changed in almost the same way. They went from lacy, with smaller cups, and maybe one or two hooks on the back. To three hooks or more in the back, straps that have doubled in size, "quick release" hooks on the top of the cups so you can literally drop your boobs right on out, and cups that you could also use as an umbrella in case it starts to rain. I forgot to also mention that they don't come in the cute little styles and patterns as regular bras. You get white, black, and nude. There is nothing that will make you feel sexier, than full butted cotton underpants and a three hook nude bra... Yea baby!

3. You wipe someone else's butt more in a day then you do your own.

4. Someone else's poop on your hands or clothes doesn't gross you out.

5. Being peed on is an every day occurrence.

6. Having someone suck on your nipples is no longer a crazy Friday night... It is every night

7. Showers go from long and relaxing to just long enough to wash the dried poop, puke, and spit out of your hair.

8. When you go shopping the cutest shirts are only 6inches long and cost $4.00

9Your idea of a nice cold drink is the diet soda you just pulled out of the fridge.

10. Your idea of a "wild night" is getting the baby to sleep early so you can enjoy quiet time with yourself, and maybe a glass of wine

11. You do more laundry in a week then you used to in an entire month.

12. You are up at 2,3,4,5,or 6 am with your baby. Before you would still be up from a night of drinking

13. You dont have painted toenails. Because it has been so long since you painted them it has grown off.

14. You rock the half grown off painted toenail

15. Fingernail polish... Whats that?

16. The funniest thing you see in a day comes from someone with no teeth.

17. All of the books you read constantly rhyme.

18. You haven't been this excited about Christmas for YEARS.

19. High heels have been traded for flip flops and tennis shoes.

20. Late nights out have been traded for early nights in.

21. You get excited about being able to spray a liquid from your body across the entire room.

22. You can pee, wash your hands, and be back to your baby in under two minutes.

23. You have gotten rid of most of your clothes to make room for itty bitty ones.

24. You go on a binky expedition at 3am.

25. You haven't had a full nights sleep in god only knows how long (for me its been about 7 or 8 months)

26. The songs stuck in your head have gone from whatever is catchy on the radio to Old MacDonald, Bingo, twinkle twinkle, and whatever Christmas carols you can remember.

27. You sing Christmas carols to your child because you cannot remember the words to a lot of nursery rhymes.

28. You start to talk to adults like you do your child.

29. Your beautiful Coach purse has been replaced with a diaper bag and a car seat.

30. You are excited about someone else(meaning your child) taking a great big poop.

31. Hearing your child take a great big poop makes you just as excited as a kid in a candy store.

32. You are always 5-10 minutes late for wherever you are going.

33. Wardrobe malfunction now means someones diaper leaked, and the outfit has to be changed.

34. You wipe boogers, spit, or puke on your pants when you cant find a rag or blanket.

35. It takes you an extra 20 minutes to go grocery shopping, because all of the old ladies want to see your baby.

36. You can gain and lose 60 pounds in less than a year, without any lipo or diet pills.

37. The sight of your child inside of a pumpkin fills you with uncontrollable glee.

38. Your phone or camera has THOUSANDS of pictures in it because you just cant take enough.

39. You can do every normal daily activity one handed, because you have a grumpy baby in the other.

40. Your boobs start to leak in public just because someone else's child is crying.

41. You wake up to someone violently slapping your boobs just because they want you to wake up.

42. You use baby wipes for everything. Vomit, boogers, dirty hands, the dashboard of your car, and of course anything else on the baby.

43. You could braid your leg hair. (Hey as long as your pits are done, that's fine by be)

44. You walk around with your extremely long leg hair for everyone too see, and don't realize it until you get home.

45. You forget to put on deodorant because the baby started crying. Now you cant figure out where that smell is coming from and why it has been following you around all day.

46. Your child's binky drops on the floor in a public place, and you use YOUR mouth to clean it off.... I don't even want to think of the germs I have gotten from that.

47. Your eyebrows are starting to grow together.

48. You can put your hair in a ponytail and have a brown head, but a blond ponytail.

49. You don't have to call the doctor for all of your questions, but you long onto your awesome mommy support group and get all of the answers you could ever need.

50. All of your friends are complete strangers you met through your awesome mommy support group :)

51. Conversations with friends have nothing to do with anything other then your children.

52. You cry packing away clothes that no longer fit... Ones that belong to the baby and yourself.

53. You haven't had a hot meal in months, and your OK with it.

54. You lived off of frozen food for months at a time.

55. You use food as bribery or a bargaining tool, or just to get five minutes of quiet.

56. You add a Y to the end of every word, and continue to do so when you aren't talking to your baby.

57. You can drive your car, shift to third gear, and steer with your knee, all because there is a meltdown in the backseat and somebody needs their binky!

58. You cannot wait to see Santa this year!

59. You cant resist biting your child's naked hiney, even though you know what came out of it earlier in the day.

60.  Kisses come with spit and boogers.

61. You spend time milking yourself.

62. Your the envy of your childless friends because you haven't had a period in over a year.

63. You need to buy stock in energizer because you go through batteries like it is nobodies business... Hey at least its for baby toys!

64. You haven't been to the movies in months. Either because you were too big to sit in those tiny chairs for two hours, or because you don't want to be the person with the screaming baby in the movie theatre.

65. You turn down the radio to sing ridiculous made up songs.

66. You use spit to fix a cowlick or to get something off of your kids face when you cant find your trusty baby wipes

67. You can put a binky in your child's mouth as they are quickly jumping away in their jumperoo.

68. You spend the little alone time you get during naps or after bedtime by cleaning the house.

69. You keep toys and extra binky's in the front seat for emergency purposes(in case you can find the binky blindly while driving)

70. The five hours of straight sleep you got makes you feel like a new woman.

71. You don't even carry a purse anymore. Everything you need is kept in the diaper bag or in your pockets.

72. You lose everything because your mommy brain is more focused on the last time your baby ate.

73. You don't even close the door when you go to the bathroom.

74. You have an audience when you use the bathroom.

And finally... You know you are a mom when

75. All 74 of those happen every day, and you wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Because being a mom is the best thing you have ever done. Because the smiles and laughs from your children make it all worth it :)